Attachment Styles and Trauma Recovery: Building Healthy Relationships After Trauma
By: Cheyenne Bowman, LCPC
EMDR Trained
The Impact of Attachment Trauma
As a clinician, I have grown to love the nuances and complexity of treating attachment trauma. It is a type of trauma that is ingrained in our everyday life and has such a profound impact on the trajectory of our life and our satisfaction with it. Humans are wired for connection… So what happens when our first connections in life are less than ideal? We may find ourselves struggling with familial relationships, friendships, romantic relationships, and even professional relationships. Even though the dynamics of each of these are different, early attachment can influence them. For some helpful background information, I highly recommend checking out our blog from June 2024 that explains attachment trauma and attunement wounding. This will give you a great understanding of what constitutes this type of trauma and how it differs from treating “single incident trauma” like experiencing a car crash, etc.
Origins of Attachment Theory
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth began working on attachment theory in the mid 1900’s and began to explain the importance of how a child’s relationships with caregivers influence the way that they relate with the world around them. Mary Ainsworth is well known in the field for the “Strange Situation” in which she observed how children acted in situations when they had their primary caregiver present, absent, or experienced the presence of a stranger. The individual reactions of these children led us to research what caused the differences. Why does one child allow a stranger to hold them, and another cry and run away?
4 Main Attachment Styles
Secure - Individuals with a secure attachment style are more likely to reach out for help, feel their relationships add to their life, can speak up for themselves and express their true feelings. These individuals can be independent, but also do not shy away from connection with others. They are reciprocal in relationships. This attachment style comes from caregivers who are highly attuned to their children, showing emotion and being engaged in play, conversation, and learning. Highly attuned caregivers are better able to sense when a child needs something, therefore, the child learns to expect that their caregivers will meet their needs.
Anxious-Preoccupied - Those with an anxious attachment may have had experiences in early childhood where there was inconsistency in their care. Perhaps a parent worked a lot, had problems with substance use, or was incarcerated. These situations are confusing for children, and can cause uncertainty about their safety and care. For these reasons, they may fear abandonment, be perceived as “clingy” or craving these close bonds to a point that becomes problematic, or may be reactive when conflict arises.
Avoidant - Children who have been physically or emotionally neglected may learn to believe that relationships do not benefit them. If we cannot depend on people from an early age, we learn to be independent and meet our own needs. Unfortunately, children are not meant to be able to do this and this can cause problems with trusting and connecting with others later on. This attachment style may appear as those who are emotionally distant, isolated, ambivalent or apathetic about their relationships.
Disorganized - This is a blend of anxious and avoidant. Inconsistency in caregiving can lead to this style of attachment, but can also be due to both a desire for and fear of connection. Many people call this “fearful avoidant” attachment, and is used interchangeably at times. If a child has always craved the love and attention of their parents but also fear their parents, this inner conflict can create a feeling of instability. This style is often seen in situations of extreme abuse and neglect (although this can be present in other attachment styles as well). A common trait of a disorganized attachment is fearing intimacy and closeness, but still desiring it. These individuals may “self sabotage” or find a way to end a relationship before it gets too serious. Instead of being able to express these fears about vulnerability, they may find a reason to end the relationship, or even do something hurtful because it may cause their partner to break up with them.
Implications in Treatment
Treating attachment trauma is a complex, gradual process. Healing begins with establishing a secure attachment in the therapy room, which may be the first of its kind for the client! This provides a foundation to learn safety in relationships, set healthy boundaries, and learn to explore their inner world by trusting another person with their story. The presentations above can give us insight into where our treatment begins. Trauma treatment involves three phases:
- Stabilization: Clients gain coping skills and psychoeducation to regulate their nervous system and function better. They also learn to identify and tolerate their emotions to be able to prepare for exploring their traumatic experiences.
- Reprocessing: We address traumatic memories by exploring thoughts, feelings, and sensations that can lead to more clarity, insights, and understanding. If you are unfamiliar with reprocessing using EMDR therapy, check out our trainings to better understand what is involved in reprocessing trauma that is stored in both our bodies and minds.
- Reintegration: We focus on healing relationships, creating new safe connections, and fostering a healthier relationship with ourselves.
Why Do the Phases Matter?
It’s essential to understand that clients cannot immediately implement boundaries while still feeling unsafe or dysregulated, which is often felt during stabilization. Healing starts internally, and as clients regulate their nervous system, they can better navigate healthy relationships. Think “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs”. Relationships are not a priority of the traumatized brain that can only focus on survival. Prior to reprocessing, a client may not be able to access necessary skills to connect safely with others.
The Best Part
A client’s early life experiences cannot be changed, but they can experience change through self-compassion and understanding in their personal work. This means that attachment styles change too. After the hard work of trauma treatment, clients are more likely to identify healthy people to connect with, and be able to end relationships that are not healthy or fulfilling. The result? A corrective experience and the ability to safely connect.
Trauma presentations can be quite unique and complex. Need some help or clarity? Check out my trauma-informed consultation availability to find a time to chat with me!
Trauma Informed Consultation | Trauma Specialists Training Institute
SOURCES:
Sagone, E., Commodari, E., Indiana, M. L., & La Rosa, V. L. (2023). Exploring the Association between Attachment Style, Psychological Well-Being, and Relationship Status in Young Adults and Adults-A Cross-Sectional Study. European journal of investigation in health, psychology and education, 13(3), 525–539. https://doi.org/10.3390/ejihpe13030040
